When female clients first come to me they often tell me they want to feel more confident. As we talk more about it they tell me they are scared of being ‘too much’. Their thinking goes something like this – ‘if I develop a more confident approach I might appear arrogant and over the top, I can’t bear it when people seem all full of themselves’.
So instead of developing their inner confidence they keep themselves small, for fear of appearing over-confident. We have a tendency to be quite binary in our thinking about it – we’re either under-confident or over-confident, no middle ground. How about if we could feel confident enough in a given situation to do our best?
As I work with clients on their confidence we explore questions like ‘what’s your version of feeling confident?’ ‘what does it look like to you?’ ‘how does it actually feel?’ ‘In what situations do you need to feel more confident?’
Confidence can be a vague term that seems like a solution to all our difficulties – ‘if only I felt more confident I could do xxx’ ‘once I feel more confident I will xxx’. I’m sorry to have to tell you but there will always be times that you don’t feel confident. It’s ok to feel scared and nervous sometimes.
So how about we break down this confidence thing into something more manageable and think about how to tackle it in practical ways.
Start with increasing your self-awareness, work on understanding your strengths, development areas, values, and aspirations. Reflect on your achievements and challenges to help you gain a clearer sense of your abilities. With this knowledge, you can then yourself set realistic goals.
When people talk about working on their confidence, I get them to break it down into the specific skills that are needed for a particular situation. For instance public speaking, influencing others, having presence when you speak – you know those big scary things! Most people are not born great public speakers or great leaders. They work on it, they break it down and focus their attention on specific tasks and goals to support their development.
Let’s take an example. It’s common for me to work with clients who are new into their role and feeling like they need to develop their confidence to operate at a more senior level.
When you sit in your first senior leadership team meeting how do you know what’s the expected behaviour? Do you have a vision in your head of how you should be? Is this correct? What would be your way of being if you fully allowed yourself to be your best in the meeting?
One thing that challenges lots of us is speaking up in this type of meeting and voicing your opinions.
If you’re not used to doing it in this type of forum then you’re going to need to work on it and practice it. Many moons ago a boss of mine encouraged me to speak up in meetings, he told me ‘you have valuable opinions that we need to hear, share them’. As is often the case I hadn’t even realised I was withholding them and one the occasions I did I had the feeling that others views were more knowledgeable than mine so I let them speak first. With hindsight that probably help me back in my career.
As you are working on the different aspects of your confidence enlist support. Surround yourself with mentors, peers, and advocates who believe in your potential. They can provide valuable feedback, encouragement, and guidance. Creating these safe spaces to share your experiences and concerns really does help your growth and feelings of confidence.
I’d also advise you to learn to celebrate your achievements, no matter how big or small. Recognising our efforts and successes boosts our self-esteem and confidence. Celebrating accomplishments not only reaffirms our abilities but also motivates us to keep going.
And finally, remember that taking care of yourself is essential for maintaining confidence and resilience. As women we often juggle multiple responsibilities, making it easy to neglect our own well-being. By doing regular self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or spending quality time with loved ones, we can help reduce stress and enhance our confidence by fostering a positive mindset.
So, how are you feeling about confidence now? I hope that’s help you see a slightly different perspective. Feeling confident is a powerful asset and one that can be developed.
Please do contact me if you’d like more support on this topic, I’d be happy to help.
You’ll find more blogs and videos on topics related to confidence, such as making time for your development, tips on self-care and giving yourself a pat on the back, on my website and You Tube channel.
Every blog I write is inspired by the topics that come up when I’m working with my clients.